Alaina stood in front of Dean as he sat on the bed. The ache in her stomach was almost enough to double her over. They had been like this for over five minutes now and she just stood there, staring at him, trying to imagine what their baby would look like. Would it have bright red hair, like hers, or a softer blonde, like his? She clenched her hands into fists again and then released them. How was she meant to say this? Would it make his life complete to know that her womb was no longer dry and empty? Or would it bring the world that he knew crashing down around his feet? Alaina opened her mouth to say it but couldn’t find the words, so closed it again. Dean sighed and opened his mouth but Alaina held up her hand, “please, don’t,” she said quietly. “Let me say my piece first,” she begged. Dean gave her a small smile and nodded.
She took in a deep breath again, but still had no idea how to announce it to him. Dean got up from the bed and walked towards her, his arms outstretched. “No,” she flinched away from him, “don’t touch me,” she snarled, stepping back so he couldn’t reach her.
It was then that she felt it.
Later, once she had collected her thoughts, Alaina would find herself crying softly and wondering if that movement had caused the collapse of whatever it was inside her. But then she would chuckle icily to herself, she knew better than that. That baby was made to not be carried to term. Then she would sigh with relief, take two sleeping pills and drift off into a fitful sleep.
But now Alaina moved her leg slightly and looked down to see blood trickling down her leg. She let out a small yelp and ran into Dean’s en suite, shutting the door behind her. How typical, she had waited weeks, praying that she would miscarry, but now that she was finally coming to terms with having a tiny baby growing inside of her, she was losing it. Alaina sunk down against the door and felt Dean pushing it from the other side. “Don’t,” she said quietly through the door, resting her cheek on the whitewashed wood that stood between her and her boyfriend. “Just give me a while and I’ll tell you when you can come in,” she whispered and put her hand up against the door as if she was trying to calm him down.
When Alaina felt water drop on her hand that she had left nestled in her lap, she looked about wildly, desperate to find the source of the water. She brought her hand up to wipe the tears that were falling down her cheeks, then put two and two together and realised that the water on her hand was a tear. She let out a desperate sob and felt the door push again. “Dean,” she whispered, not trusting her own voice. “Please, just leave me be.”
After there was no response from the other side of the door Alaina presumed he had done as she had asked and left her alone. She pushed herself up from the door and ran a bath, making sure the water was scolding to the touch, steaming windows and raising red welts on her skin. She shed her clothes and climbed into the boiling water, gasping as it discovered new parts of her body. After furiously scrubbing away at her skin and changing the bath water four times until it no longer turned scarlet, Alaina reached for a towel and wrapped it around her body.
"Dean," she called out, Alaina figured she had been in the bathroom for about an hour. "If you’re still out there, you can come in now," she said quietly after checking the tub for any more signs of blood; of their dead child. When the door opened she was somewhat surprised, she hadn’t expected him to stick around for that long. But then again, maybe he had gone out and come back, it wasn’t like he hadn’t had enough time to do so.
She felt herself shrink back when she saw the expression on his face. She knew she had hurt him. “Dean,” she whimpered as she watched his eyes sweep the room. They didn’t stop until they got to her bloodied clothes that sat in the corner of the bathroom. Alaina closed her eyes, put her head in her hands and breathed out slowly. She hadn’t expected it to affect her this much.
"Dean," she whispered again and waited until he had torn his eyes away from her clothes and looked her in the eye. His face was full of confusion. "I-I was pregnant," she whispered and watched his face fall. Her vision began to swim as tears grew. "I was coming to tell you and then," she bit her lip. Why was she crying? She didn’t want it anyway. She was only here because she needed someone to drive her home after the abortion and she thought that asking Katie would be sneaky and rude, let alone torturous. Besides, Alaina didn’t even know if Katie could drive. "And then I lost it," she felt a tear slip over the curve of her cheek as she motioned to the clothes. "Please don’t be mad," Alaina begged, flicking her eyes up with the intention of meeting his, but she couldn’t do it.
Alaina saw his mouth open and he walked towards her. She shook her head. “Don’t said anything,” she pleaded and ran over to him, her head crashing on to his chest as she began to weep, “just hold me.” She sobbed into his shoulder as she tried to hide herself from the rest of the world.